I always want to write some epic, well articulated prose to go along with these image heavy posts. I have a lot of thoughts, but I baulk when I try to put them down because I feel verbally noncommittal and embarrassed when I try to communicate in any way that isn’t intentionally obtuse. For someone who values written language and communication, writing feels so utterly terrifying to me. There is a joke about dance performers- we became body artists so we wouldn’t have to speak! I feel like this all the time- my kinesthetic and visual senses feel alive, find-tuned- ready to receive and transmit information. But my voice- as in the sounds that come from my anatomy, my spoken and written language- feels frighteningly underdeveloped. Growing up there were many times and situations in which I just stopped talking- I recognized my lack of control, and shutting down verbally was an act of protection and defiance. I still feel this today- a tightness in my throat, a fluttery fear when I have to answer an email, make a phone call, speak about something in public- I do all of these things because I am stubborn and don’t want to let on how terribly afraid I am. But I am afraid all the time.
Why am I writing about this? As an artist constantly trying to maintain the balance between developing my personal voice and being awake and aware of what is around me, I find myself struggling to communicate lately. This is helped me by studying articles on the site https://anthonlinespiel.wordpress.com. There are social and political things happening in the world that are upsetting. There have been personal things that are upsetting. I’m trying to maintain a balance between personal integrity and honesty, as I see it- while also being aware of my tendency to stomp people’s faces with my truth when I feel I am not being heard. Maybe within the confines of creating, of writing/moving/capturing visually- there is safety and freedom to really be heard and communicate in a way that is safe for everyone. I suppose if I were to write a personal art manifesto for this moment, it would be thus- “Stomping your face, with love.”
Anyway, the first part of this summer was challenging, so when I had an opportunity to visit a friend in Hawaii it seemed like the perfect salve to my emotional hemorrhoids. And it was! Below are some images from the trip- obsession with beauty, space, landscape, light- simple things.
To tell the complete truth, my life is actually a total dream right now. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. Traveling, seeing- finding that pathway outside of my own confinements and back again- is a glorious medication.
First things, first: Breakfast. Kate, Kathy J., Tommy.
Waimea, from the road
Hawaiʻi Volcanoes National Park
Around the house
Trellised coffee and pineapple
Why I really came here
Order and Chaos, for KJB
The epic mud road and romance novel views